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Post by Alexis Karidian on Jan 20, 2014 20:56:43 GMT -8
"Those are shoes I will never be able to fill," Alexis replied quietly. The padawan had survived the loss of two masters. The first had been hard, the second was irreplaceable and left her with a void that could not be filled. She knew she would not survive the loss of a third. Did she want to be the oldest padawan in the history of the Order? No. But circumstances, the Force, Fate, call it what you will, had taken the decision out of her hands. Alexis Karidian knew that she would never have another master...not in the traditionally accepted Jedi sense of the word.
This filled her with sadness, but she accepted it as her fate.
As Ander keyed open the door to his quarters, she was looking past him down the corridor. Just at the limit of human sight she caught a glimpse of a familiar ghostly white figure, eyes gazing at her with the burning glare of accusation to which she had grown accustomed, hands held out as if pleading. As the door opened, she vanished into the side of the corridor in a flapping of ghostly robes. Alexis stiffened imperceptibly, then allowed Ander to lead her inside.
As he busied himself for a few minutes, she took in her surroundings in a cursory fashion. He seemed to have a comfortable place here, quite spacious. She sat in a nearby chair, and kicking off her boots, curled her legs up underneath herself. It made her look oddly small and fragile, as well as quite young.
She accepted the glass, admired the clarity of the liquid within in the dim lighting, for which she was grateful as it suited her mood, and then took a drink. It was the smoothest liquor she had ever tasted, and the fiery burn it left in her throat was even stronger as a result. She liked it.
"I was thinking of the time Dav and I first truly met," she looked over at Ander, "the situation was similar to this one. I had just found out that Nathan would not be returning, and I was running from the Jedi. I made it to Yavin Station---" her voice trailed off gently.
She found herself looking out the viewport at the stars in the distance, speaking half-aloud as if to herself, "I was drinking then and thinking of an easier choice..." she continued in a firmer tone, "The difference is this time I know who I am, and there is still work to do."
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Ander Tagira
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Post by Ander Tagira on Jan 21, 2014 8:35:42 GMT -8
For the most part, Ander simply listened, although his eyes were directed outside the viewport adjacent to where Alexis sat. She had curled up on the blue cushioned chair in front of the small caf table, appearing to Ander as rather small and fragile, hardly nubile in that moment. He sat back in his own seat opposite the woman, listening to her speak although her words seemed more for herself than anyone else in the room. Ander watched distant stars shine in the great beyond, dimming as he focused too long on any one of them. As the sound of Alexis' voice tapered off, Ander looked over at her. He realized that she had been watching the stars as he had been. Interesting. Uncrossing his legs so as to stand, he returned to the counter by the kitchen unit, reaching for the decanter of Corellian scotch and returning to his seat. He poured himself and Alexis a second glass, then set the decanter on the caf table between them. Returning one booted foot to the opposite knee, Ander rested an arm across the back of the couch on which he sat, his glass hand on the armrest at his side. As he spoke, Ander retrieved a cigarette from the small pouch at his breast, lighting it with a torch he pulled from his pocket. Smoke plumed from between his lips and nostrils, dissipating in the dim light of his quarters. "Luke Skywalker was barely well enough trained to hold his own on Bespin against Vader all those years ago...Look what he's accomplished." Ander drank from his glass before setting it down on the caf table between them. Smoke curled about the air, thick tendrils searching. "You might as well cut that braid, Alexis." Ander muttered as he looked back out to the stars. He didn't want to say too much, Ander felt what the woman needed most now was a listener. "You're not a padawan anymore." Ander concluded, almost at a whisper.
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Post by Alexis Karidian on Jan 21, 2014 11:50:08 GMT -8
"He lost a hand, and he was literally the last of an entire Order." Alexis replied with a rueful smile, aware that Ander was trying to cheer her up. But Luke Skywalker's case was vastly different from her own: there was still a unified Order out there. However, she appreciated it and attempted to reciprocate. She had suffered a grave loss, but he had also lost a friend. Not wishing to absorb too much strong alcohol in too short a timespan, she took another sip and placed the glass that Ander had just refilled on the table as he lit up. The smoke only added to the sense of easygoing gloom around the two of them, and Alexis tentatively sniffed. Naturally his supply was of much finer quality than the rank smells she'd been exposed to on Nar Shaddaa, and it seemed to add an aura of stability to her current surroundings.
Even though Ander was muttering almost speaking to himself instead of to her, Alexis caught his words. She sensed that an awakening sensitivity to the Force was not something he had expected to find within himself again. Her fingers idly toyed with her padawan braid, understanding the reasoning behind what he said, but unwilling to do that just yet. It would be like throwing off her link to the past, to Dav. Part of her still hoped against hope that he was out there somewhere. "That's not a decision I can just make on my own, Ander," she replied gently, "that is not the way of the Jedi Order." At least, not traditionally. There were a few notable exceptions, but with the reorganization of the Order she was not sure exactly where she would fall into 'tradition.' Appearing before the Council of Reassignment felt inevitable, but she was not looking forward to it. Furthermore, she did not wish to fail, to let Dav down. But, she could not bear the idea of another master. Perhaps there was a way out of this. Not a traditional way, but something. The glimmerings of an idea began forming in her mind.
She examined his face in profile as he was once again looking outside at the stars in the distance, and she finally asked the question she'd traveled all this way to ask, "What was he like when you knew him?" Given the amount of sympathy between the two of them so far, she was confident he would know whom she spoke of. In the situation, she knew that he'd either be hurt by recollection of the past, or it would help him heal. He had been the first to bring up Luke Skywalker...but two people could play at that game. "Luke Skywalker also forsook the Jedi Order for a time, even to become a Sith, albeit temporarily. And look at how he is remembered today." She gazed at him intently, almost willing Ander to look at her. He had to know what she was saying. He could come back. Deep down she had seen Ander Tagira, not as commander of GALSAF, but as a Jedi. He might not know it now, but there would come a day when he would look in a mirror and see what she had seen.
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Ander Tagira
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Post by Ander Tagira on Jan 21, 2014 18:26:46 GMT -8
Alexis' inquiry reached his ears though his face remained turned towards the viewport and the stars beyond. He drew from his cigarette once again, letting the smoke bleed from his nostrils. It coalesced around him in a sullen cloud, as if to reflect his inner mind's response to the woman's question. "Everyone sees Luke in a different light." Ander murmured, tapping the ash from the tip of his cigarette into a glass tray on the caf table. "Ever ethnocentric, Jedi revere him. Ever self-loathing, Sith hate him. Others fear him. He's everything and nothing all at the same time. The farmboy in him never went away. That's his greatest quality. Too many Jedi cease to be people once they don the robes and lightsaber. Luke...he stands on the edge of both worlds, that's the source of his wisdom; he's a man and a Jedi." Ander emptied his glass then leaned forward and poured himself another. This time when he sat back, glass in one hand, cigarette in another, Ander refrained from looking back to the stars and returned his gaze to the woman sitting across from him. For a brief moment, he felt as if she were drawing him to her, and couldn't help but wonder what she was thinking. "I never met two men more alike than Luke and Dav." He continued, the atmosphere in the room prompting his thoughts as much as the conversation itself. He enjoyed talking about his mentor. Luke hadn't been a father to him, though he had in many ways made up for the years with his own sire that he had been denied. Ander gestured towards Alexis with his glass in hand. "Wherever you're going in life, I don't know. But I get the feeling that being absorbed by the greater Jedi Order isn't in the cards for you." Ander knew his words would be taken with a grain of salt, considering GALSAF's publicized opinions regarding organizations of a similar kind. It was true that GALSAF had meddled in the affairs of governments and planets all over the Galaxy, though the difference rested in the fact that their intervention always yielded positive results. Ander drew from his cigarette once more, gazing at Alexis through the dim light of the room. With his back to the illumination panels, almost all that could be seen of him was the bright red tip of his cigarette and the smoke that swirled about him. "I didn't leave the Jedi Order because I disagreed with their dogma. But that is why I never returned." He muttered, breaking his gaze from Alexis momentarily to glance back out at the stars. Ander's experiences had taught him that life was nothing but shades of grey, and he developed the impression that Alexis truly was lonely. It was a sentiment he understood all too well, and decided he ought to share that knowledge. "My mother, Sandra, lives and works aboard this vessel. She's a physician. She doesn't know who I am, and I'm terrified that she will die before I ever tell her." The weight of the confession prompted Ander to drink again from his glass, the liquor ran down his throat and soothed his nerves. Calo, his adopted son, was the only other person in the Galaxy besides Mai Owani who knew about his relationship to his mother. "I live and work with her, I love her. And I resent her." Ander said gruffly, as if he felt a deep loathing for every word he spoke.
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Post by Alexis Karidian on Jan 21, 2014 21:36:50 GMT -8
"Dav was always a person," Alexis replied introspectively. Reaching for her glass on the table, she took another drink and relaxed, letting the feel and taste of the Corellian scotch fully wash over her senses. Even Jedi were susceptible to being caught up in service to the Order, becoming absorbed in its ideals and turning their backs on their own humanity. In the dark of sleepless nights Alexis often pondered whether this absolute denial of self and emotions, specifically in terms of attachments, was a major factor in Anakin Skywalker's fall to the Dark Side. In fact, she asked herself the question, 'did the Jedi create the thing they most feared: the Empire and Darth Vader?' It was not a question she liked. She couldn't erase the feeling of disloyalty to the Jedi Order for pondering a question like that.
Dav had left her behind on several occasions out of concern for her safety, but that had finally changed. She had proved her worth and accepted responsibility for her own actions. His final test of her before admitting her to Dragon Squadron had been one of several defining points in their relationship, and he had sworn that they would fight side by side from thence forward. She'd flown as his wingmate. He had realized early on that along with precognition and empathy, her talents tended towards flying instead of out and out combat. He had been a Jedi, yes, but he had more than that, always been a person to Alexis. She recalled one of the last times they had spent together before the Mandalorians had laid siege to Yavin, "We were sitting in the gardens of meditation eating ice cream...from cones," she clarified with a warm smile. She could still hear his voice sometimes. The image of Yavin IV's famous Battlemaster sitting with his padawan, eating ice cream and even making the occasional joke, was one that she valued highly.
"I do not know yet where I am going, Ander," she spoke quietly into the smoky haze hovering between them. "I miss Dragon Squadron, I miss flying with Dav, I miss being so kriffing frustrated with him that I felt like I was going to explode---" she broke off for a second, finally concluding, "I suppose I just miss Dav. I still can't believe he's not coming back." His indestructible facade seemed to be indestructible, but every so often he'd allowed her to see deeper into his being, to the soul underneath that. "I see things when I'm asleep...Dav told me this is how the Force communicates with me. And it makes sense. But, there are times now when I am fully awake and I see things, visions, things that might be."
She hesitated, then decided that since she and Ander had made it this far, she might as well go on. Besides, he reminded her of Dav in some ways. "There should still be a Jedi starfighter squadron. I don't want the legends to simply go away. I want---" again, Alexis broke off, not wanting to seem like a child who just couldn't let go, because this was so much more to her than that. Dragon Squadron had been her passion. "---there should always be an elite Jedi starfighter squadron. I can't get it out of my head. Weeks after Dav died, I had dreams watching a bright red dragon die a flaming death. Eventually the dreams changed, still the same beginning, but from the ashes of the dragon, arose a bird, a glorious bird I had never seen before. It came from the ashes, spread its wings, and flew, Ander." She was nearly pleading for him to understand her, "I went to the archives to see what I could find. There was an old legend about a bird they called the phoenix. Perhaps you have heard of it?"
Belatedly she realized she had allowed herself to get carried away. Taking a quick breath, she refocused on the glowing stump of Ander's cigarette as he had positioned himself strategically so that his facial emotions were harder to read. She could tell he was troubled by his confession. Leaning forward she gently placed a hand on his in a gesture that was meant to be comforting. "You still have time, but that may not always be the case." She tried to remember what her mother had been like and only got a fleeting impression of a careworn, overworked face. On Nar Shaddaa Alexis had been too busy trying to stay alive and scrounge enough food to keep the hunger pangs to a dull ache. "I hated my mother for not protecting me, and I hated my hatred, and I never got to tell her I was sorry. I don't even know if she's still alive. You have to find some way to tell Sandra the truth, even if not directly. Don't make the same mistakes I did." Alexis hoped Ander wouldn't take her solicitous concern for him the wrong way. Despite the fact she had not known him personally for long, she felt like she knew him, and a lifetime taken up with regrets was a sad life indeed. When she was a child, she'd felt people dying in the refugee sector, many of them pleasantly, nearly all of them with something unsaid. "What if you're denying her the opportunity to care about you?" In trying to help Ander, Alexis felt a burning shame that she had never even thought about trying to find her mother again, at least discerning whether she still lived or not. When Nathan had rescued her and taken her away from Nar Shaddaa, she truly had never looked back.
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Ander Tagira
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Post by Ander Tagira on Jan 21, 2014 22:57:21 GMT -8
"Reborn of its own ashes..." Ander mumbled, smoke drifting from between his lips and nostrils as he spoke. Since her arrival not yet an hour before, Alexis Karidian's entire life thus far had been an exemplification of symbolism. The last of an order, the first of a new, reborn from the ashes of her mentor's teachings. Ander could hardly stomach it. He began to suspect the Force itself was at work, not on Alexis, but through her. As if it were using her to communicate with him. Ander shifted uncomfortably in his seat. The Force seemed to be knocking on his doorstep, using Alexis as its voice. He had let his connection to the Force die years before, but it seemed as if the mystic energy field was not yet done with him. Ander almost spat at the thought, resentment building in him before he crushed it down. Ander felt his fingers heat up as his cigarette began to burn low. He downed the rest of his scotch, then leaned forward and put it out in the ashtray on the caf table. As he listened to Alexis continue, he poured himself another glass, his chest warming from the liquor he'd already consumed. Ander leaned back against his seat and drew two cigarettes from his pocket. One he put to his own lips, the other he offered to the woman seated opposite him, setting it on the table with the small torch he used to light his own. "When I drink, I smoke." He stated evenly. The two activities, drinking and smoking, dovetailed perfectly during times of such in depth conversation. Alexis' visions were something Ander noted mentally as she told him of them, though he found her thoughts regarding his mother less interesting. He valued her opinion as much as he could that of someone standing on the outside looking in, though the situation was much more complex than it seemed. "My mother is terminally ill, Alexis." Ander stated as smoke plumed from between his lips, expressed by the force of his own voice. "To reveal my existence to her now would only serve to fill her with regret and sadness. She is happy. I am not." Ander almost reeled at the content of his confession. To all around him he presented strength and solidarity, wisdom and confidence. Tebana had been the only person in his life other than Luke who had been able to see through him so easily, and as a result he had grown accustomed to being able to hide away those things he didn't wish others to see. And yet here he was, admitting to this woman he barely knew that he was...unhappy. "I am willing to sacrifice my desire for closure so that my mother can die in peace. I would much rather she leave this life loving me as much like a son as she does already. I do not need for her to know that is in fact what I am." He explained. "My people, the Mando'ade, believe that blood has nothing to do with family. These are principles my father raised me with. I love my son as much as I would any child of my own body. The fact that he was born to another means nothing." Ander concluded. He omitted the fact that his mother, Sandra, had once been a Jedi Knight, and that such cultural perceptions had not been ones she had shared with Ander's father, Katarr. Again, Ander looked out to the stars, uncomfortable with the direction the conversation had taken, though he refrained from showing it. Alexis was many things, beautiful, lonely, sad. She was passionate and devoted, that much was plain. They were all qualities Ander admired in his own commandos, as he had admired in his students on Yavin IV when he had still been a Jedi. Ander himself was many things, but a teacher above all. Another sip of his liquor brought Ander's eyes back to the woman seated before him. Her hand still rested atop his own, the smoke from his cigarette weaving itself between their fingers. If Ander felt anything from the touch, he kept it to himself, allowing Alexis to make her gesture of comfort and concern. He hoped that at the least, the moment allowed Alexis to take her mind off her own pain and loss. Focusing on the suffering of others was an effective way to cope with ones own. The former Jedi's heart began to ache sorely for his lost brother and friend. Each time she had mentioned the Yavinites fate she had spoken in general terms, but to hear the word death put a knife through his heart. It was closure, of a sort, hearing for certain his old friend was dead. Ander withdrew his hand from beneath Alexis', drawing from his cigarette once more. In a gesture of his own, Ander left the hand to rest atop hers this time, reciprocating the comfort they might share in light of such loss. "How did he die?" Ander asked abruptly, his voice quiet and rough, as if saying the words took a great toll on him. And indeed they did. Alexis may not have wanted to speak of it, but Ander needed to know. The corpse of a man was useless, and graves only served to remind the living of their loss. But the memory of a man...that was important. Ander needed this memory of his friend's fate in order to be content.
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Post by Alexis Karidian on Jan 22, 2014 11:01:53 GMT -8
Alexis had not intended to speak of these things to Ander Tagira, and yet she had done so. She recognized the symbolic nature of things, and while she felt herself drawn to historical traditions like Dragon Squadron, she realized on a deeper level that by themselves symbols are meaningless and empty without the reality they embody to back them up. When tyranny is on the rise, symbols of freedom often abound. But, that was a tangent and not needed now. Alexis took the cigarette that Ander offered, and following his example, lit it and took an experimental inhale. She nearly choked as it was not a sensation she was familiar with. After a couple attempts, she decided it was better to leave smoking to those who enjoyed it and extinguished the cigarette, before returning to her glass of Corellian scotch which she was nursing slowly.
She could sense that Ander was conflicted within himself, and conflicted over being conflicted. He was probably fighting battles he had long ago considered won. Alexis knew what that felt like. She also knew that it was hard to stand in another person's shoes, and often that was not desired or looked for. Alexis had stepped way over the figurative line in offering advice to the older man relating to his mother, and she was fully aware of it. He had reacted with much more patience than she had looked for, but she realized there was more than one perspective to any story. "I apologize for interfering in something that is none of my concern," she quietly interjected into the silence, "you have my sympathy for the complexities of your...situation."
Alexis was flattered that he had considered her trustworthy to the degree of verbalizing the fact that he was unhappy, but she had no words to offer. Years of experiencing the pain of other people had taught her that sometimes there really is nothing to be said. When she was a child on Nar Shaddaa, she had been confused and terrified by other people: frightened out of her senses at times by the suffering of all the consciousnesses around her as they pressed against her psyche demanding for help. She had been defenseless. It wasn't until she met Nathan Malreaux that she had learned that this was a result of extreme Force sensitivity in some areas. He had gradually taught her how to cope with this and turn it into something that she could use. So, even though she was not convinced of the accuracy of Ander's stance in terms of his mother, she said nothing, instead focusing on providing a calm sympathy and a listening ear if he should need one.
"How did he die?" a question that Alexis had realized ten minutes ago was inevitable. A question that she still was not ready for. A thick, but not unfriendly silence descended between the two companions as she shifted gently to a more comfortable position in her chair. Even then, she remained quiet as she ran her right thumb around the rim of her glass. "He died as he lived. An example of bravery and Jedi sacrifice, surrounded by the fallen." Finally, she looked up at Ander, whether it was the lingering smoky haze or sorrow that was responsible for the glittering of tears in the corners of her eyes was indeterminate. "I was not with him when it happened, and I'll never forgive myself for that...." she whispered quietly. "I was on Dressel, rescuing a former padawan of his, Joshua Kierra-Solo, from Mandalorians. We were heading back to Yavin IV when my Force Bond was snapped. I had no warning..." she broke off, blinking rapidly and masking the threatening tears by raising her glass and taking a drink in order to gain time to compose herself. "I am sorry." Alexis knew what Ander wanted, and she regretted her lack of ability to provide it. The fact that she had not been physically present at the Academy on Yavin IV was why she kept hoping that somehow what she knew was wrong, that somehow Dav would come back with a few new scars and they would resume training where they had left off. The closure that Ander sought was denied from Alexis as well. She knew Dav would never return, but she hoped, or wished rather, that he would find a way. His entire life had been an example of the impossible being possible, and in her heart, Alexis Karidian was not ready to give up.
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Ander Tagira
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Post by Ander Tagira on Jan 23, 2014 16:42:24 GMT -8
Ander eyed Alexis intently in the dusky haze of the room as she drew the cigarette to her soft lips and almost immediately expressed a harsh cough. Ander might have chuckled had she been a new recruit, but Ander felt expressing any levity would disrespect the reason they had been brought together. After an honest effort, Alexis put out the cigarette i the tray on the caf table, returning the drink to her lips. Ander drank from his own again as well, his tolerance to the liquor only now beginning to expire. His mind tingled pleasantly, dully the swollen ache in his heart. Taking a deep drag of his cigarette, Ander listened to Alexis' apology, shaking his head. "No reason to be sorry, there's little to be said or done at this point." He continued listening as Alexis all but answered her question. As if to cope with the overwhelming dismay that her words brought to Ander's mind, his gaze left the woman's slender silhouette and returned to the stars. He blinked away tears, not wanting to cry this time. "I'll find out what happened, before the end…" Ander muttered, returning his cigarette to his lips and expelling the smoke from his lungs. Together, the liquor and the tobacco worked to deaden his pain, allowing him to remain in calm control through the loss and regret that permeated his heart. After a moment of silence, in which both individuals drank once more, Ander looked back to the small woman seated across from him. Gently, he patted the cushion beside him, gesturing her over. "Sit with me, there are things you must know." His nerves demanding he continue regardless of whether Alexis joined him or not, Ander continued to speak. "Call me cliche, Alexis, but know there is nothing you could have done to save him. You were doing what you were supposed to do. Saving a life. You are not at fault. You are not the cause of his death. We can only control so much in life, and even then, our options are limited. These things happen regardless of our wishes, our hopes, our dreams. If you must, take solace in the belief that the Force willed this all to pass as it has for some greater purpose, though I will never share that belief with you. Ander finished his glass, and poured himself another, though he left it to rest on the caf table for the moment. The liquor was already working on his nerves and his inhibitions, and he did not want to drink himself to sleep while Alexis remained awake with him. "You can only play the sabaacc hand you're dealt, and sometimes the table changes your cards when you least expect it." Ander knew the great pleasures and pains of Force Bonds; he had lost his own with Tebana after leaving Yavin IV, and had suffered extensively for it. Pain was all anyone had in life, sometimes.
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Post by Alexis Karidian on Jan 23, 2014 19:50:27 GMT -8
For the first time in awhile now, well, since Dav died actually, Alexis felt comfortable in her surroundings. It was the first time she'd ever been on an Imperial Star Destroyer. Courtesy of Ander's generous supply of top quality Corellian scotch, the warmth she felt was also internal. The young woman was grateful to the older man for not laughing at her somewhat inept attempt to follow his example in the world of smoking. So, when he invited her to sit with him, she accepted.
Getting up was alright, though Alexis felt like the room was lagging a bit. It was a good thing navigating the space between the two of them didn't require agility as she would not have felt confident attempting it in that case. As it was, she sat down a bit less gracefully than she would normally have done, and considered Ander from this closer vantage point. It was the first time she'd been in close physical proximity to anyone since she and Dav had said goodbye on Yavin. Alexis rested her head on Ander's shoulder, thinking that he wouldn't mind since after all, he'd invited her to join him in the first place, and took a drink of her now-half-empty glass before resting it on her knee. Over the past ten minutes it had inexplicably seemed to grow heavier. "Yavin is going to feel so empty and alien now, like a body with no soul," Alexis mused quietly. The thought of going back there weighed on her heart.
She smiled sadly. Now Ander was attempting to advise her, much as she had done to him earlier. "I know it isn't my fault, I just wish I had been there." Actually, now that he had given her the idea she wondered why she hadn't even considered that. Dav's death truly was in no way her responsibility. She simply regretted the fact that she had not died at his side. "I don't know if the Force has a designing purpose in making things happen. I tend to view it as a bit more random than that." She wasn't so sure that Ander would never accept the Force into his life again, but some decisions have to be made only by the person they most affect.
"Sabaac." Alexis repeated, "I have not played in a long time..." The game intrigued her, particularly the aspect of the changing card values. She found it exhilarating to play. Not on the level of flying of course, but everyone needs something recreational in nature. Turning, she looked up at Ander, warm brown eyes examining him closely, wondering if he had known a strong Force Bond of his own. The pain resulting from the rupture of a Bond could well drive someone away from the life of a Jedi she thought. Maybe it yet would... She hoped not, but 'always in motion, the future is.'
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Ander Tagira
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Post by Ander Tagira on Jan 23, 2014 20:16:48 GMT -8
Ander felt his lip twitch as Alexis joined him, taking comfort in his presence. By habit he distracted his lips from a smile by drinking from his glass again. Had Ander known how truly comfortable Alexis was feeling in that moment, he would have been glad. Providing for others was in his nature, though he regretted the other qualities of his being that constantly sought to contradict such kindheartedness. Oddly enough, it hadn't been the impression of his father's Mandalorian heritage and culture that had taught him to stifle and hide his emotions; that blame fell on the Jedi teachings he had lived with for so long. He didn't entirely regret this, however, considering his anger was his predominant state of mind, and as a result this had been stifled as well. As Alexis rested her head against his shoulder, Ander placed his arm around her, expressing as much warmth as he could manage. He set down his glass just long enough to rub out his cigarette as he listened to the woman's words. He was surprised to hear her vocalize her acceptance of the situation, glad to know she hadn't burdened herself with the responsibility of Dav's death. It was a trait he had drilled into GALSAF's commandos, to accept the deaths of their fellow soldiers so they could better serve the mission. The people of the Galaxy were their only priority, he always told them, and they must be willing to sacrifice their lives for that purpose. He looked down at Alexis as she looked on him, and was glad to find stars in her eyes rather than have to gaze away at those beyond the viewport. "Yavin has its own soul, its own life, that will endure. The world is teeming with life, you must not forget that." Ander knew her words were not literal, though sometimes it was comforting to hear another person contradict the sorrow of ones own thoughts. He normally was not so sentimental, especially with strangers, though the liquor lubricated his mind and served to lower many of his emotional walls and inhibitions. Even as he considered this, Ander knew Alexis was no more a stranger than Delmani, or Calo. The two did not share a history beyond that of Dav himself, and the mutual connection they shared to the Jedi of Yavin IV, though they shared feelings that provided them with a history all on its own. Their mutual sorrow resounded on many similar levels, accompanied by sadness, feelings of regret, dismay and loss. Ander swallowed another drink of his scotch, deciding that he would let the atmosphere of the evening guide him rather than try to control it, or himself. "I never thought of the Force as something that pushed us one way or another. I always saw it as a willing participant in life's events. A friend that was always there when you needed it most…" Ander's words trailed off as he looked away from Alexis, returning his gaze to the stars outside the viewport. Another wave of emotional discomfort was running as a river through his mind. "I was as unworthy of that friend as I was those on Yavin Four, Alexis. In many ways, I still am." He forced himself to look back down at the woman settled beside him. "But I'm okay with that."
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Post by Alexis Karidian on Jan 24, 2014 10:19:03 GMT -8
Alexis could not know all that was going through Ander's mind, but she sensed that there was much more to his story than appeared on the surface. Both of them were talking about things they would not normally share with others. A common grief made them closer friends upon a shorter acquaintance than most people are after years of working together. Sacrifice was something Alexis knew well. Ander's relationship with his mother and refusal to tell her the truth reminded her painfully of memories she had fought to suppress. After an extensive time in a bacta tank upon her initial arrival on Yavin IV her memories had gotten a bit scrambled in her mind. Some of them, she had never tried to untangle. She never told her mother goodbye. She said 'I love you...' Alexis squeezed her eyes shut and hid her face against Ander's tunic, attempting to forget again.
When she did look back up at Ander it was only to find him gazing into her eyes with an intensity that she could only face a few seconds without blinking. "Sometimes it is hard to see the life," she replied sadly. Present sorrow has a way of making us feel that things will never improve. It is difficult to see the sun of tomorrow when sitting under the thunderstorm of today. Responding to the emotional discomfort that she felt in Ander, Alexis reached up and gently brushed back his dark hair, "I think those who consider themselves worthy, are the most unworthy, Ander. Those who feel unworthy, remain human, compassionate, aware of the needs of those around them." How could she tell him that she was convinced of his worth? He would not listen to her. All the things he had said to her about her own destiny as he saw it---she felt eminently unsuited and unworthy of such a distinction.
Alexis looked away and noticed that she hadn't finished her drink. She did so swiftly in a fashion that was probably unwise, and then placed the glass safely on the caf-table before resettling herself comfortably against Ander. She was thinking deeply, almost as if she had not heard his last words. But she had. And to her it sounded more like he was endeavoring to convince himself that he was ok with how things were. Finally, probably when he was starting to wonder if she had fallen asleep, a low voice inquired, "What if I am not 'ok' with it?"
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Ander Tagira
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Post by Ander Tagira on Jan 24, 2014 12:18:25 GMT -8
Ander reached for his glass and drained it, feeling his mind grow more heavy. Alexis had begun running her hands through his hair, a gesture that made him suddenly rather uncomfortable. It wasn't that he was wary of closeness or connection with others, but that they were a man and a woman, both suffering similar emotional pain, and the alcohol had already lowered his normal emotional boundaries. Alexis was attractive and as vulnerable as he was. His mental state prevented him from expressing his concern, however, and he made no motion to deter Alexis from either her seeking of his comfort or her willingness to provide it. The best he could manage was to remain focused on the conversation as the slender woman touched him. "I do not judge my worth by my self pity or loathing, Alexis." Ander muttered, reaching for another cigarette. After lighting it, he let his head rest back against Alexis' fingertips. "I have judged myself based solely on the facts. I am not a man in any condition to accept the privileges or responsibilities I once held. I was not ready then, and I am not now. I would do best to hold such power at arm's length." Ander drew from the cigarette, shaking his head. He did not enjoy being on the defensive. "I am not judging myself on a moral basis, merely a logical one. In order to remain a productive individual, rather than a destructive one, my only option is to continue doing what we do, and not deviate from that." Alexis leaned forward and finished her drink, which contained more liquor remaining than she might have expected, as she looked slightly surprised with herself as she set the glass down. Ander refilled them both though he knew he ought not to, and allowed the woman to resettle herself against him. For several long moments she remained silent and he could smell the sweet liquor on her breath. When she finally spoke, Ander could not hold back the slightly incredulous look on his face. "That's not your decision to make, Alexis. What is and isn't okay with another being's life is their own decision, no one else's. It's attitudes such as that which allowed the Jedi Order to snatch people's children, interfere in their lives and insert themselves into Galactic affairs. Sometimes we have to accept that while we may not be okay with another's situation or decisions, they are not ours to manipulate, even for the perceived betterment of those individuals."
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Post by Alexis Karidian on Jan 24, 2014 12:56:56 GMT -8
Alexis felt the subtle wave of unease that drifted through Ander's being. It was the same feeling as a weird ghost memory from Nar Shaddaa---she quickly folded her hands and otherwise remained completely still. "I'm sorry," was the only thing she could think of to say and she was lucky it wasn't slurred.
"Self-pity immobilizes, I think. It can be just as dangerous as the opposite reaction." She frowned trying to make the thoughts become words. It was so frustrating to think of something and then have it drift intangibly out of reach just as she went to say it. A flicker of annoyance ran through her. "Balance is what matters, right?"
Alexis suddenly stiffened in shock. "That wasn't what---I didn't mean," she had not meant to be so misconstrued, instead trying to tell him that he was important in her opinion, and that she didn't think he was an unworthy friend. Dimly she realized it had gone horribly wrong. In that void she felt how deeply she missed Dav, he wouldn't have misunderstood her like that. She reached for her refilled glass by instinct, and drank scotch as it was never intended to be drunk: quickly. A choice beverage is meant to be savored and enjoyed, not gulped down like a fifth-rate wine. She felt the onrushing warmth of fiery liquor and smiled sadly, tears in her eyes, "Bloody kriffin' hell..." was the low, emphatic verbal iteration of how upset she really was.
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Ander Tagira
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Post by Ander Tagira on Jan 24, 2014 13:44:46 GMT -8
Ander shook his head once more, this time in support of the woman. "No, you're not wrong, I just…tend to draw the wrong conclusions sometimes." He looked down at her, feeling her body tense beneath his touch. Silently Ander berated himself for the mistake. And now he'd gone on a rant about it all, expressing opinions and thoughts best kept to one's self. He felt as if he'd both offended and marginalized Alexis' intellect all at the same time. Ander suddenly realized how tightly he was gripping his glass. For several moments, Alexis struggled to correct the miscommunications between her mind and her lips, failing to do so utterly. She surrendered to her state of intoxication, supplementing it by a rather brave completion of her drink. Alexis' eyes seemed to water, though Ander could see in her demeanor the cause was inside her heart, not her glass. In response, Ander released Alexis just long enough to lean forward to refill their glasses and tap the ash off of his cigarette. When he returned, he replaced his arm around her, expressing himself only by seeming to hold her more tightly than he had before. "Forget your troubles tonight, Alexis. Now is not for sadness." He murmured. Neither of them were in any state to confront their sorrows, and providing comfort to one another was perhaps all they were capable of for now.
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Post by Alexis Karidian on Jan 24, 2014 17:38:24 GMT -8
"Why should I forget---" Alexis was struggling more to keep up, but the effects of alcohol, exhaustion, and grief--though that last one seemed a bit more tenuous by now--were very nearly overriding her better judgment. Something about Ander's voice and closeness combined with an embrace that felt relaxingly protective and secure in addition to the fact that he was not at all hard on the eyes made it really hard for her inebriated brain to think straight.
She was a woman, though she didn't often think about it, and Ander was definitely a man. And both of them wanted to forget for a time. Moved by instinct more than anything else Alexis turned slightly and placing her right hand on Ander's shoulder, looked at him for a second, "--if you remember?" and then gently, tentatively even, kissed him.
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Ander Tagira
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Post by Ander Tagira on Jan 24, 2014 18:38:39 GMT -8
Ander's only intention behind the sentimental words he spoke were to soothe Alexis' nerves. She had recently experienced something rather traumatic, the severing of a Force Bond. Such things were not to be taken lightly; many individuals were driven mad by the experience of losing someone with which they were so deeply connected. And yet his intentions had yielded results he had neither expected nor sought after. Alexis was found to be more than a simple Jedi of the Order, her situation compounded by the sudden and emotionally expensive loss of almost everything she knew. Only her teachings survived intact, a stark contrast to her emotions. And while Ander's own pain had been a gradual process, rather than the sudden onslaught Alexis had suffered, it was no less ruinous to his emotional and mental state. He already was a man constantly walking a knife's edge between personal stability and chaos, and the liquor he'd imbibed had sent him over that edge. It wasn't that he did not think of consequences when Alexis kissed him, her lips warm and still wet from the liquor in her mouth. On the contrary, he considered the consequences of sharing physical closeness with a woman he'd just met during a time of emotional distress for them both. He wondered if such an event would prevent them from developing a normal acquaintance, and if their inebriated states were merely a symptom of their greater issues of both loneliness and pain. But consequences did not stop him from kissing Alexis in return. Instead they pushed him farther down the nerf's hole. He felt his fingers slip from his glass, leaving it to rest on the arm of the seat as he brought his hand to the woman's cheek, his thumb resting against her bottom lip as he kissed her in return. The liquor on her lips tasted better than the contents of his own glass, and the smoke surrounding them seemed to further perpetuated the mood that had generated their misplaced mutual lust. He felt her tongue, warm and wet, caressing his own, and his mind swirled with both alcohol and emotion. Ander felt Alexis' hand grasp at the breast of his flight suit, bunching the material up in her fist as they drew closer. In his tumultuous state Ander left slight bite marks on her neck as he ran his fingers through her hair and held her against him.
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Post by Alexis Karidian on Jan 24, 2014 20:09:08 GMT -8
Alexis gasped in surprise at the intensity of Ander's reaction. She'd half-expected him to push her away, but no, his mind seemed to already be several steps ahead of hers. She had just lost a very deep Force Bond, the constant presence of a mentor and friend. This left her feeling incredibly alone. On top of that, some instinct deep in her psyche told her that the developing intimacy between herself and Joshua Kierra-Solo was at an end. She'd heard his plea for help from worlds away, and that too was gone. All her life she had been weighed down by the future, by consequences: by seeing things before they happened, by feeling things that were not happening to her personally, by trying to keep bad things from happening and never knowing if her efforts were having any real, positive effects to help the people she cared about. And now they were all gone. She was living a life of regret filled with a dream that felt empty.
If she had not been in the condition she was currently in, would these events be happening? Probably not. But, she was, and they were. To be honest though, she felt that he wanted it himself but at the same time had not wanted to admit that he had desired it. So, Alexis had taken matters into her own hands, or lips rather, and made a move. The very small part of her mind that screamed in protest was quickly silenced as she welcomed Ander's passion, for the first time in her life determined to live in the present moment and ignore everything else.
Caught up in the moment, with the sensation of Ander's fingers twining through her hair and pulling her closer into his kiss, she didn't even think that perhaps he was emotionally vulnerable himself. She was busy with other considerations, curiously at first then with more confidence exploring innovative ways to use her control of the Force in ways that had most certainly not been taught at the Academy on Yavin IV, to facilitate the level of acquaintance between herself and Ander Tagira. Somewhere out in the universe, if a deity had existed, it would have laughed at how things had come full circle between Ander as founder of the Yavinite academy, and Alexis as the last survivor of the same.
Alexis Karidian found herself both smiling and silently crying as well, as she moved closer into Ander's embrace, half-sitting in his lap with one leg over his. She hungrily nipped at his lower lip as she slid her left hand up the side of his neck and into his hair, enjoying the heady mixture of alcohol and cigarra smoke.
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Ander Tagira
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Post by Ander Tagira on Jan 24, 2014 20:41:08 GMT -8
He thought of pulling away several times, even went so far as to gently place his hand on Alexis' body here and there to stop their mutual foolishness. But every time he considered it, her teeth would pull at his bottom lip, or his hands would fall against a part of her he merely wanted to touch. His thoughts, already muddled by the liquor coursing through his brain, became even more so, and depriving himself of this girl became a laughable thought to his body. In her lips he was able to forget the sorrow that wracked his mind. Her breath, touched with liquor and smoke, blew away his stress and anxiety more effectively than the scotch in his blood ever could. He kissed at Alexis' lips, bit at her neck, knowing nothing but warm skin, soft and in need of his attentions. As she placed her leg over his lap, his hand grasped her thigh and pulled her on top of him. He looked up at her now, though he only saw with his lips and hands the curves of her silhouette, the details of her body lost in the darkness, but not lost to his touch. Briefly, Ander wondered what the morning would bring. However, with Alexis straddling his waist, her warmth against him, he quickly realized he didn't care.
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Post by Alexis Karidian on Jan 25, 2014 11:24:49 GMT -8
Alexis closed her eyes, focusing solely on her sense of touch as she furthered her explorations in the name of science and discovery. Distracted by Ander's expert ministrations and the heat of his breath on her neck she arched closer into him, her hands finding their way underneath his tan flight jacket by instinct. She wondered if this was right and was within a half-second of pulling back, when she felt the heat of Ander's hand burn through the fabric of her clothes as he firmly pulled her tighter into him. It was like he was reading her mind. All inhibitions gone she let her kisses drift away from his lips, gently nipping at his ear lobe before working her way down the line of his jaw to his neck. When he bit her the resultant sharp tingle of electricity that shot through her nearly left her breathless in surprise as the fingers of her left hand clenched in his hair, the mixture of sharp pain bringing the sensations of the moment into a pleasurable clarity that nearly hurt.
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Ander Tagira
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Post by Ander Tagira on Jan 25, 2014 14:34:34 GMT -8
His mind no longer produced thought, merely impulse. Inborn behavior began to override his socially identity, turning him into an animalistic shadow of his normal self. It was his nature that tore the tunic from Alexis' shoulders, his nature that kissed at her bare chest and stomach. The man that he was by day was subdued, forced into the prison of his subconscious as he lost himself in the forest of self-gratification and mutual pleasure. Ander felt Alexis' pull at his hair as he bit her neck, held her as she shuddered beneath the grasp of his lips on her bare chest. Right and wrong, good and evil, social convention itself, were forgotten in his inebriated state of arousal as he turned the woman over onto her back and removed the rest of her clothes. With a wave of his hand he left the room as naked of light as Alexis was of raiment, lips and hands searching her gentle curves like a vornskr in the night traversing the hills of its territory for soft, warm prey. He lost himself between her lips and legs, seeking only to be pleasured and to please in return.
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