I'm doing a Nuzlocke Run

Chad is such a dudebro name. I hope you beat him hardcore

OKAY! Welcome to installment 1 of Vidalu Na'an's Bob's Nuzlocke run of Pokemon Platinum. I know I said I'd do this once a week....but I got bored and decided I'd take on the Gym Leader Roark tonight. So let's see how that turned out. 

(Note from the future: It turns out bad.)



So I walk in pretty confident at this point. Jean Grey's leveled up, Snoop's ridin' dirty, and Simon is waiting in the backseat with Quick Claw to keep things together if it all goes south. So let's take on this Gym Leader!

OKAY! Welcome to installment 3 of Vidalu Na'an's Bob's Nuzlocke run of Pokemon Platinum. Yes, I know I said installment 1 twice. Blame it on grief over what I'd done. Dead Body Battering Rams will scar a person.

We'd left off at the Valley Windworks, right? Life choices questioned, right? Right. Let's grind for a few levels to get Helen and our newest little Squishter up to speed, boost Clarice a few levels back up to being a little champ, then take on this pink-haired boss lady. 

...But FIRST BACK TO THE MEADOW. Wanna see if all that Honey I smeared on a tree got me something, which it did--a male Combee. 




...Okay, okay, enough stalling. Time to go back to the Windworks and take on that boss.

...Which was surprisingly easy! I mean, between Squishter's newly-acquired Mud Bomb and Clarice's Wing Attack I handled Miss Commander Mars without having to worry too much. I reunite some little girl with her scientist father, they babble on a bit about some balloon Pokemon that visits sometimes,  and I leave, confident for once that nothing bad will ever happen there ever again. 



(Note from Bulbapedia: The balloon Pokemon the little girl is talking about is a Drifloon, a Ghost-type with a penchant for kidnapping children. 


...Pokemon got REALLY DARK FOR A SECOND, GUYS.)




And I am DONE with this town! On to Eterna City. Going to be a bit of a slog, but it's a new route, which means new area, which means new True Companions!

OKAY! Welcome to installment 5 of Vidalu Na'an's Bob's Nuzlocke run of Pokemon Platinum. Last we met I was freaking out because this game's decided to throw the gym leaders at me out of order. I've got to fight Fantine and all her Ghost-type Pokemon now, so let's see how that works out for us. 


Lesseeee, strategy. I don't have anything that's especially strong against Ghost-type, but I think they're susceptible to special attacks, so strategy's the key to this one. I use Azazel to plow through the other Trainers in this gym...but here's a weird thing. Lots of them are Youngsters and Lasses, small children types. I can understand it of Youngsters, the bastards, but what are so many kids doing in a spooky gym? Is Fantine running some kind of cult? 


Guess it doesn't matter. I'mma kill her now. 


That's a nice little warm-up. Time to go hunting. 

Now, I've been doing my research on Pokemon types, and there's Ghosts for the catching if I hunt around nighttime, so it's lucky I timed this right. First Pokemon I meet is a Duskull!

OKAY! Welcome to installment 6 of Vidalu Na'an's Bob's Nuzlocke run of Pokemon Platinum. It's been a while since our last update, but just as a reminder I had a bit of a BSOD over Squishter dying at the hands of an exploding Goddamn Geodude. We've done some grinding and we're about to take on the Veilstone gym, so let's get this party started!

So, Maylene. The Fighting gym.

At this point I'm pretty confident. I have two fighting types in Max and Rhodey, with Lady Death Ghosting about in the background, so I think I can do this one okay! Lots of type advantage here, and if I get into a pinch there's always some fairly powerful Special attacks in my other team members, so maybe I can even get out of this one intact.

....Well, for the most part. Max basically Psybeams the first two Pokemon, a Machoke and a Meditite, into submission but then she whips out a Lucario and I can just feel myself seizing in apprehension. Rhodey's the stronger of the two, better able to take a hit, but Hypnosis isn't working and I keep using Super Potions like CRAZY. I've got to re-evaluate and make a gamble, or I'll get nowhere and use ALL my potions trying.

Azazel is fast, and Flame Wheel's pretty strong. Let's try him.

.....OH GOD OH GOD THIS WAS A MISTAKE LUCARIO HAS DRAIN PUNCH. THREE HP OH GOD SWITCH HIM OUT FOR LADY DEATH, DRAIN PUNCH WON'T WORK ON HER WHILE I WORK OUT A PLAN.

...Okay, wow. Lady Death is NOT strong. She's up to level but her HP is awful and so are her moves. I mean, Confuse Ray? ZUBATS use Confuse Ray. I've got two options here. If I use her turn to heal up Azazel, I might be able to bring him back in to finish what damage he managed to throw down. Of course, if she survives that and I do a switch Lucario will get first hit and ruin that entirely, killing him off...



...



....


I have to do it. I have no choice. If I don't sacrifice one, I could lose two. Or three. Or six. She's got a cool name, but there's no way she's winning this one, she's got no moves that could...


I am a bad Trainer.


Lady Death's turns all go into healing the party until Lucario pulls out one of his non-Fighting moves and kills her in one shot.


Then I bring out Azazel and set that son of a bitch on fire.




I’m sorry



I’m sorry



I’m sorry.



At least I only have to...sacrifice...one to get the Cobble Badge. Max, Azazel, you guys get a Kudos for this one. Azazel in particular, you're getting this Fire Blast TM I bought at the department store. You've been a good little hellhorse, you deserve it.


To fill the gap, I have to think a little carefully. I need to keep considering type advantage. The next gym is a Water-type, and since I don't have any Electric types I yet again need to invest in a Grass-type Pokemon. Which means, it's time to whip out one FAABULOUUS True Companion!


...I will never get tired of saying this Roselia's name. He's just too....





wait for it...









Waaaaaaait for it...









FAAAAAAABULOUUUUUUS!



Okay, okay, I”m done.


Now...according to my research, There's quite a lot of distance between here and Pastoria, but a lot of it's single paths with Lake Valor between them. Lots of little trainers to mangle on the way, but I'm only going to mention them if it seems especially important. More importantly, I can more new True Companions to my ever expanding roster....y'know, even with deaths on every Nuzlocke post I still have one heck of a buffer list of Pokemon. Maybe that means I'm doing okay. Either way, what am I adding to my crew this time? Why, no other than a--



NO. NO NO NO NO GODDAMN IT THOSE THINGS ARE NOT ALLOWED NO.  I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE THE FIRST POKEMON ON A ROUTE, I'M KILLING YOU. I WILL SCATTER THE STONES TO THE WIND AND WATCH THEM GET GROUND INTO DUST. I WILL NOT LET THIS LEGLESS ASSHOLE TAINT MY LIFE OR MY TEAM ANY FURTHER, EVEN IF I DON'T HAVE ANY GROUND TYPES. NO. NO.

FUCKING GODDAMNED GEODUDES.

Instead I go to Valor Lakefront and catch a Girafarig!



Awwwww, look it this little Lady. The face on its ass is a little unsettling, and apparently it's got a second, Psychic brain back there, but she still seems like such a sweetheart. I'm gonna call her MissMiss, one Miss for each face. Enjoy the box! Apparently it's actually getting pretty full in there!


After the lakefront, I pass through some sort of resort/route, just WRECKING a bunch of people's vacations. Oddly enough, there's grass on this route but I can't really reach it--need Rock Climb, which I don't have yet. Maybe I'll come back here later. Make my way down to the beach, wreck a few small children carrying Shelloses (weeping a single tear for my poor sweet Squishter), and...wow, this path was kind of uneventful. The final patch of grass before the town is in a route that didn't have any other grass, so I tootle around in it a bit and come across this sassy little number.


Chatot, are you mad that you look the way you do? Because you look ridiculous, and you don't even have the excuse of evolving. Still, you're a flying type and I do like music... Rock Me Amadeus it is.


After that little...disappointment, I finally make it into Pastoria! Pastoria I remember being one of my favorite cities in all of the Pokemon games, because it was the first one that really struck me as having it's own distinct CLIMATE. I mean, Oreburgh was a mining town, Hearthome was this bug bustling city, but Pastoria's in the middle of this big, foggy swampy marshlands. It's such a unique design, and when I first played Diamond it gave me a sense of Sinnoh being a real place in a way the previous games didn't. It even provides an excuse for there being Pokemon here that don't exist anywhere else, it's a perfect place for the Safari Zone in this game!



It's also a perfect place for the Water-type gym...which we are, given our blazing through these paths, WOEFULLY unprepared for. Which means I’m going to be doing some grinding. So I go to the marsh west of Pastoria and start cranking out Pokebodies. I even pick up a Quagsire while I’m at it.



...You know, I know he looks kind of like a hairless Bidoof with those eyes, but I like him! Maybe because he's got way better moves. Maybe it's just that he's smiling at me with that big goofy mouth. Maybe because he also looks a little like my mental image of what Kermit the Frog would look like as a Pokemon. Quagsire, actually, that's exactly what I'm gonna call you. Kermit has some Ground moves, you could be useful later!

After I pick him up , though, I QUICKLY tire on this grinding spot. Yes, it has trainers, yes, I’ve taken all their money, but since it’s a swamp I keep sinking into it and have to thrash around to escape. After the sixth time in as many paces, at which I’m about ready to throw the game up against the wall, I come up with a new plan. See, apparently I missed this side path earlier in my trek, at which there ‘s some kind of crazy PokeMansion run by an old man, stuffed to the gills with trainers and battle maids.


Sounds like a good time! It’s pretty easy to find, and all the Socialites and old people are pretty easy pickings to defeat, and in no time at all I find the PokeMansion’s owner, who invites me to catch a rare Pokemon in his backyard.


.....Eh? I suppose you'd be useful? I dunno. If I'd found this place earlier I'd be much more enthusiastic about finding an Electric type. As it is, I don't have time to raise a baby. I'm just gonna name her Pi-chan and let my other Pokemon babysit her. Maybe later you'll be useful? I dunno. I'm not the kind of person who gets it up for these mascot types.

But hey, at least there’s the battle maids! They’re actually pretty tough--Rhodey levels up once while fighting the third one. And then...and THEN...he becomes THIS.
Oh, my god. Oh my GOD, the Iron Patriot is no longer just a plate with eyes! He’s a BELL with eyes! Or maybe some kind of hat?

Wait. WAIT. OH MY GOD HE’S A WAR HELMET. Oooooooh, can you even picture the image of me wearing Rhodey as a war helmet? That would be so boss. Walking into a fight like that would just stop everyone I meet, partially because I’m insane but hey, living psychic terror armor!

Rhodey, I love you. I should say, you’re one of the unexpected MVPs of this team.



Please, someone draw me a picture of me wearing Rhodey as a hat I will adore you forever.



...Okay, I’ve officially exhausted my options for leveling up here on the road. I think all I can do is go back to Pastoria, maybe take on the gym...OR I CAN GO TO THE SAFARI ZONE! How did I almost forget that?

Now, the Safari Zone’s a tricky question for a Nuzlocke run. Do I catch only one Pokemon for the whole place, or does each area of the Zone count? I think given my circumstances, I’m just going to go with one. It’s more in keeping with the spirit of the run, and it’ll make whatever rare Pokemon I get here just that much more special.

And...oh, boy is this one special. Say hello to Tropius.

HAHAHAHAHAAH WHAAAAT. HOW IS THIS THING A FLYING TYPE TOO? I mean, it looks like a brachiosaurus made a baby with a palm tree. There's no way those piddly little fronds would lift that thing, let alone me...but WOW THAT IS A COOL IMAGE. FLYING ON A GIANT PLANT MONSTER, striking fear into the hearts of men below me! Dino, you are cool and silly and a worthy investment from the Safari Zone. You're even strong enough to come help me whoop this gym. Max, I like you, but step aside for a moment and make room for this banana-wielding monstrosity.


After that, though, there's not really any dodging it. Only thing left to do is go to the Gym and challenge Cra------ooooor, Chad! Hi, Chad!. Good to see you. Kind of weird that you're choosing a mid-level Gym leader to call your Master and dedicate your life to learning from him, but sure, I'll kick your butt in front of him and humiliate you. I don't mind. It's not like you've gotten any better from last time. No new Pokemon, no new news. Chad! is kind of boring me, even if it's fun humiliating him every time he shows up. My Ponyta is better than your Ponyta, Simon's is the beak that shall pierce the heavens, Who the Hell Do You Think I Am, yadda yadda yadda.

Can I do the gym now?



WHOA. Crasher Wake, just...WHOA. You are WAYYYY too excited for this fight, dude. Your tiny sprite did NOT prepare me for the fact that you're not wearing a shirt. Or that you're apparently a luchador? He’s got a theme song like a luchador.. I dunno, guys, it could be a luchador mask, but it could also just be a holster for those MASSIVE SPIKY EYEBROWS. I don't think he could see if those weren't being held up by a little Lycra.

It doesn’t help that you’re not that hard to beat. Dino mops up your Gyarados no problem, while FAABULOUUS uses Grasswhistle to first lull the Quagsire and Floatzel to sleep, then suck the life out of them. I’m actually kind of disappointed. Maylene was more of a challenge.

I leave the gym, with the Fen Badge, flush in the victory that comes with murdering another Gym Leader's Pokemon, thinking it's time to move on to the next town, but then I'm confused. I seem to have stumbled into a surprise cutscene. Chad! is back, see, and he wants to let his 'Master' know about some shit going down at the Safari Zone.



....IF BY SHIT YOU MEAN SOME TEAM GALACTIC GUY JUST SET OFF A BOMB.





A bomb.





A BOMB, GUYS. Not some Pokemon-stealing Acme-esque device, a BOMB. AS IN EXPLODING. AS IN MAYBE MADE OF GODDAMNED GEODUDES.

Since when does the Pokemon world have BOMBS? Are these guys a criminal syndicate or a TERRORIST CELL? What next, am I going to find out that the Pokemon world has wars?



(Note: At this point, someone has overheard my commentary and decided to tell me about the new content for Alpha Sapphire and Omega Ruby. Yes. There is a war. And Pokemon die in it Saving Private Ryan style.)



...



....


Nope. Not making jokes. Not even continuing this installment. This is way too much realness for my Pokemon, guys. Peace out.

Simon 

Azazel 

Rhodey (Now a Bronzong) 

Principito 

FAABULOUUS 

Dino 

The Fallen: 

OKAY! Welcome to installment 7 of Vidalu Na'an's Bob's Nuzlocke run of Pokemon Platinum. 

First off, YES. I KNOW. It's been a long damn time. The problem is that after my last few bits of gameplay, my 3DS charger sort of blew a fuse on me--it literally broke in half, and I couldn't access my saved file until I could recharge. So I've lost a lot of details of what I did after Crasher Wake, but I'll be able to summarize. Unfortunately, this one won't be as funny as usual, just the most important points. I've numbered them to get through them faster. 

1. I am still way more effective at fighting crime than anyone else in this damn region. And I, Bob, am what? Eleven? Where are the cops? I mean, KANTO had cops. Really ineffective cops, but at least they were AROUND. Why is law enforcement left in the hands of a genocidal eleven-year old with a pocket full of monsters? Especially in a world with TERRORISM? Come ON, people, this is NOT how a well-organized world works. 

(For that matter, I take back what I said earlier about my mom. Yes, Mom, it's cool you have hobbies, but YOU LET YOUR CHILD LEAVE HOME FOREVER AND WANDER THE WILDERNESS AT ELEVEN YEARS OLD. Being a boss Contest Queen doesn't make that any less...I guess evil? Unless you let me leave home because you were scared of me. Maybe I'm that evil kid from Undertale and I always liked murdering everything I see, and you just wanted me gone before you woke up with a knife in your trachea.)

Anyway, I beat up the Team Plasma terrorist pretty easily. No biggie. Simon's a baller. Not bothering to stay and help with whatever recovery effort is involved there. I'm a hero, not a janitor, people, clean up your own swamps. I am not going to become your maid on TOP of your child soldier king with a beast army.


2.  That cool lady who gave me Principito just...showed up afterwards and gave me a potion. This potion will clear away the Psyducks that were blocking my way to the next town, but in exchange I have to take a trinket to her grandma in Celestic Town. The route's all foggy, but it's technically part of the same route I was on before so I don't catch anything on my way there. Nearly lost Azazel, though, in the last fight before town. I really ought to be more careful with him. Losing him before the Ice gym would be just unfairrrrr.


3. OH! The creepy guy that was at the lake back in the beginning is the Team Plasma Boss, Cyrus! Well, I should have seen THAT coming. Foreshadowing, you sneaky bitch. What I couldn't have seen coming though, was that I have to fight him in this creepy cave! It's pretty easy, to the point where I don't even remember what it was he had, which means I'm gonna have to fight him at the end, probably, Giovanni-style. 
Giovanni had more style though.